pexels-photo-67442-largeThose who think the dress is black and blue, and those who think it is gold and white. Jusssttt kidding. Do you guys remember that ridiculous picture of the dress that was floating around the internet a few years ago!? If you have no idea what I am talking about you are probably sitting there looking at your screen like what. the. heck. What I really want to say is that I feel like there are two types of people in this world; people who can eat whatever they want and not gain weight and people who have to watch what they eat or they will gain weight relentlessly.


Now are you with me? Now let’s be clear. This is not based in any scientific fact. There is no technical term for this or real way to determine if you fall on one side or the other. However, from my twenty six years of living I genuinely do feel like the majority of people fall into one of these two categories. Can you guess which one I fall into? Yep, you guessed it. I sure do need to watch what I eat. I have had friends and roommates and family members and boyfriends and lived enough life to see that other people also have the same issue, while others can have a casual late night snack fest (on a daily basis) and not have to worry about packing on the pounds. People on my side of this great divide generally envy those on the other side. I do believe there is some science to back up this claim, based on the fact that everyone has a different metabolism and some are just blessed with one that kicks into overdrive. There are many things that play into this such as your hormones and cortisol levels but lets face it, I am no expert in that. All I really know is that I am not the type of person who can just check out of caring about what I put into my body, unless I don’t mind the side effects – weight gain.


Now, I am not saying that I believe that if you are over here with me in the category of if-I-eat-pizza-all-day-every-day-I-will-get-fat that it is wrong to eat pizza, or wrong to check out. It isn’t. It isn’t wrong to gain weight or be over weight or have a muffin top or jiggly arms. For me, ultimately, I passed a threshold where I was no longer okay with the extra fat and jiggle. I decided to take a step (or two) waaaay back and look at my relationship with food (more on that another time) and made the decision to be much more thoughtful with what I put into my body. For me, most often times, I would eat things that tasted absolutely delicious but made me feel bad both mentally and physically. The worst part about that is, I struggled a lot with portion control. I swear there is something in pizza that makes it as additive as crack (there may actually be science behind this, I hope). In theory, splurging on a delicious pizza or amazing burger is TOTALLY FINE. In reality, I could eat an entire pizza to myself, and I would damn sure try. These foods are so dangerous for me. I know that they do not ultimately provide my body with the nutrients that it needs. They make me feel sluggish, bloated, tired, and just all around gross. They make me feel guilty because I know better. But for some reason, I would just keep going back for more. I had no plan for the way I was eating, and it showed. The pounds came and kept coming until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I didn’t feel good physically, and I didn’t feel good mentally. To top it all off, I didn’t like who I was or how I was acting.


I find it most interesting that you really can’t tell a person’s health by looking at them. The people on the other side of the great divide that are going to McDonald’s and Taco Bell and never have been to the gym in their life might look slim, but we surely do not know the health issues they may have. We don’t know the way they feel about their bodies. We also don’t know that someone is unhealthy just because they have a few extra pounds. That person could walk their 10,000 steps a day and have kale and quinoa up the wazoo! YOU JUST DON’T KNOW. But for some odd reason it is almost impossible not to compare ourselves to others. The bottom line is, it is most important to feel good about ourselves no matter where we fall on this spectrum. Health is such a broad term and we need to define what it means to US. Yes, there are a lot of diseases and illnesses and things that define health in a more literal sense. I am talking about health in a way that makes us feel good, mentally and physically. We have to make decisions that make us feel GOOD. That make us feel satisfied, energized, fulfilled, light, cozy, proud, and beautiful (to name a few). If those decisions mean that you walk around the block every other day and eat salads for lunch and a cookie for dessert, then GO FOR IT. If you never work out or work out six times a day. If you are a complete snob about ingredients (Hi, that’s me) or if you are stoked that Chipotle came out with chorizo nationwide.


I say all of this to say, it doesn’t really matter what side you are on. What matters is that you make decisions that you feel good about for your body because at the end of the day IT’S YOUR BODY. You’ve only got one.


img_4892Helllloooo internet! Is this thing on? Things have been a little quiet over here on the blog. Okay, more than a little quiet. I straight up fell off the wagon and stopped blogging. I’m not going to make excuses or justify why it happened, but lets be real here – it happened. I have gone through a lot of changes in the past six months since I started this blog. A lot of changes both physically and mentally. I touched on it briefly in a previous post that I signed up for a challenge at a local gym that I had been eyeing for quite some time. The challenge was a 6 week long challenge to lose 20 pounds. I won’t go into depth too much about what the challenge entailed (more on that later) but I do want to delve into how it has changed my habits, my choices, my body, and my relationship with my body.


You see, when I started this blog I had no idea what I was doing. No idea what I wanted to write about. So, I just started. Maybe I started a little bit before I was ready, before I even knew what my purpose is. I find myself often thinking about all of the aspects that go into a “healthy” lifestyle and what that means to me. I find myself wondering what that means to other people. When I say often, I mean like multiple times a day. I am constantly thinking about making good decisions with what I put into my body, and what I will be doing to work on my fitness goals. Currently, it is a little bit easier because I am still in a challenge where I am working out at the gym six days a week and eating a particularly strict meal plan. Right now, that is because I am still in weight loss mode. Speaking of which, since June I have lost (just about!!!) 50 pounds. 50 pounds is a lot of weight. A LOT. And believe me when I say, it isn’t a fun or easy thing to admit that you have that much weight to lose. It isn’t fun to sit here and say that even though I have lost that much weight, I would still like to lose 20 more pounds. That is the very heart of why I wanted to return to this blog. To talk about what it is like to lose weight, to gain weight, to maintain weight. Now, I really don’t want that to come off as if I am obsessed with numbers on a scale. I understand (believe me) how important it is to not get hung up about numbers on the scale. I agree wholeheartedly that a number on a scale shouldn’t define us. It shouldn’t make us feel less than or more than. Nor should the size of our pants or bras or shirts. BUT, when it comes to not being happy with our bodies and wanting to lose weight, lose fat, get healthier or slimmer or whatever that may be – the scale is often all we have on a daily basis.


Sure, after 6 months it is easy to look at my before picture and see major changes. It is even easy for me to look at pictures from two months ago and see changes in myself. However, on the day to day basis, especially in the early stages, the scale was all I had to go off of. It was the only thing I could see for sure to know that it was working. The scale is not the enemy! The scale can be your friend. Through the first rough weeks of sacrificing all that is good in this world (Chipotle, IN-N-OUT, Pizza) I would have thrown in the towel without a shadow of a doubt if I wasn’t able to quantify the fact that I was actually losing weight. I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t feel it, but I knew it was there. It was happening. And it kept happening, and slowly but surely, it is still happening. Soon I will be entering into a new chapter (challenge free) where I am not “supposed to” be eating certain things. I know a girl who just went through Whole30 and when she was approaching the end she said to me “it is so much easier to say ‘I can’t have that’ rather than ‘I don’t want that'”. I don’t think she knows how much that resonated with me (Hey Theresa! If you are reading this!). Anyway, there might be people reading this and thinking “well why don’t you just keep eating the same thing on your food plan now if you are so concerned!” or maybe I am the only one thinking that…? As I mentioned, the plan I am on is truly meant to be designed to lose weight. And while I do want to lose more weight, I want to take it slow over the coming months. This means I can reintroduce a lot of things back into my diet. HELLLOOO AVOCADOS! It also means that there are still things I shouldn’t be eating (see: all that is good in this world) because not only will they cause me to gain weight again, but moreover because they are really just not good for our bodies.


Right, so back to why I want to start this blog up again with a different focus in mind. The reasons really are endless, but mostly because I want to share my experience with making “healthy” decisions in my life. Decisions that make me feel good mentally and physically. As I mentioned before, that means SO many things to so many different people…do you freaking know how many diets exist these days!? Vegetarian, pescetarian, vegan, paleo, HFLC, the list is endless I tell ya. My biggest takeaway from that is that different things work for different people. There is NO one diet or lifestyle that applies to every person. What works for me might not work for you, and vice versa. I also find it really important to not put other people’s choices down because they don’t align with your own. So back to why I want to share my journey, not because I think I have all the answers, but because I want people to know that it’s okay to struggle. It is okay to feel like shit sometimes and cry. It is okay to check yourself out in the mirror. It’s all okay. It’s all normal. But most of all, happiness (as it pertains to our self image) will forever be ebbing and flowing. We are an accumulation of the decisions that we make and it is reflected most in our bodies.

PHEW. Well, gold star for you if you made it this far. You the real MVP. I hope you will stick around so we can learn from each other. To health and happiness!